I look up at a TV monitor while working out at the gym and saw a news report on “Meggings” – men’s leggings. These are skin-tight stretchy pants that cling to the legs. My first thought was, “Why are gay men no longer content to design clothes and shoes for women?” Then I asked “How in the hell is this news? Did the world suddenly get it’s shit together?” Then I thought…“damn!”
Brothers, hear me. Your wife or girlfriend may come to you with a pair of meggings and will say something like “Put these on, you’ll look hot in them!” If dumping her on the spot is not an option, you need to look that chick in the eye and say “No.”
Better yet, do not say “No” but rather “Hell No.” Make sure you say “Hell No” like Samuel Jackson being asked for a drink of water in the desert by a Klansman.
In fact, just to be clear you should say “Not ‘No’, not even ‘Hell No’ … not even ‘over my dead body’ – If you so much as approach my corpse with a pair of meggings, I will implore the nearest Archangel to spontaneously combust the body and destroy everything within a two mile radius.”
Look, I don’t want to get all Adam Carolla here, but meggings are a trend that needs to be stopped. For the love of God, Justin Bieber wears them. That ought to be enough, but if somehow you are wondering if meggings are for you, here is a way to find out. Get invited to a costume party and wear meggings. When people ask you what you are dressed as, tell them “This is my douchebag costume.” Their uncontrollable laughter will validate the unadulterated rightness of what I say.
In a just world, meggings ought to be a immediate man-card revocation with a follow-up beatdown. Not a “hospital” level beatdown, just a black-eye beatdown with a side order gut-shot. Once you are healed up, you can apply for your man card back after a month of wearing flannel shirts, blue jeans and watching The Military Channel. Skinny jeans will invite a fresh beatdown.
I suspect skinny jeans is how this cursed trend got started and is just another step in the relentless campaign to un-man us. Your girl says you’ll look hot in meggings, but she is subconsciously trying to turn you into her gay friend who will help her drink red wine and weep.
She will eventually dump you for a man who won’t wear meggings.
Want to wear tight clothing? Take up scuba diving, surfing, or cycling in cold weather, though the last option carries grave risks of debilitating douchebaggery if not performed carefully. I recommend courtesy shorts for cyclists no matter what the weather.
You have been warned, you have a plan of action, you know what to do and what not to do. Man up. Say “Are you out of your &^%$# mind?” to meggings.